Five Minutes
by BrightlyShining
Summary: Most of us run from the fire while only a few hurl themselves right into it. And some not only find pain but maybe a moment of burning love. After JJ survived an incendiary life for her and the team isn't the same. JJ/Hotch Pairing  Past , Character death
1. Chapter 1

**Ladies and Gentlemen,**

welcome to my contribution to the 'Pick a Pair' Country Song Prompt challenge.

I was assigned the song 'Standing Outside The Fire' by Garth Brooks.

First of all I want to point out that my story is not going to consist of one chapter only. But since everything has to be posted due to August 25 it's won't be that long either.

Secondly - writing this was very hard. I'm usually not listening to Counrty not only because there aren't any good country-musicians but also because their songs are mostly about love and emotion and stuff and that's out of my comfort zone. So I took parts of the song literally, even though they were probably a metaphor.

This story isn't beta-readed. I wasn't sure if it'd be okay to have someone beta it since it's a challenge and maybe each participant is supposed to enter something that's really the own work. Or maybe not. But I wasn't sure.

If you happen to stumble upon a mistake - tell me.

I hope you like it though and am grateful for every **review** you may or may not leave.

I don't own _Criminal Minds_ or the song _Standing Outside The Fire_. No copyright infringements intended!

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><p><em>We call them cool <em>

_Those hearts that have no scars to show _

_The ones that never do let go _

_And risk the tables being turned._

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><p><em>Maybe she once had been beautiful.<em>

_Maybe she had had hair and maybe her hair had been neat and silky._

_Maybe her skin had been smooth and clear._

_Maybe she had had both her eyes._

_Maybe she hadn't always been a broken person._

As Jennifer Jareau took the witness stand, put her shaking hand on the leater-claded Bible, that had no longer a meaning to her, and sweared the oath without even hearing the words, she felt the glances of the jurors, the judge and the audience lean on her. Not on her as a person, of course. She, being a walking freak show ever since _the day_, attracted everyvbody's attention frequently but the only thing anybody ever was interested in was her face. _She_ was dismissed as beside the point while her flesh was the only thing that seemed to matter. And after all she couldn't even blame the gazers for the simple reason that she didn't feel as if there was a noteworthy amount of life left inside her. And a funny looking empty piece of meat was just that and no more.

_Why aren't you wearing a rug, if I'm allowed to ask?_

_At least you can save money on buying Halloween constumes._

_Wasn't your son ever afraid of his mommy?_

_Please don't take this down the wrong pipe now, but, honey, I think I should move out. You understand what I mean, don't you? It's just... I don't see another way._

_Please don't hurt me! Here's my wallet, take from it whatever you need!_

_Not many of my patients are as lucky as you are. You can thank God for watching over you._

"Miss Jareau? Miss Jareau, are you even listening?"

She jumped slightly and raised her head a little. The prosecuter gave her a penetrating look and made a step towards the stand. JJ was his best witness. She hadn't been as cooperative as he would have liked and appeared to be emotionally stable by now - which made it a little more fiddly to get everybody to feel the real, deep sympathy for her that he had aimed at. On the other hand he was convinced that a single look at her should do the trick. Her words would be useful, sure, but what really counted was what she looked like.

And her appearance was one of horrible perfection.

"Sorry", JJ mumbled and tried to look him in the eyes. It was one of the many things she found were difficult. Having only one functioning eye remained she couldn't focus on the two eyes of her opponent at the same time. Therefore she had tried to focus on the nasal bone but talking to others without even looking at them just wasn't the same. Not that she had really been talking to anyone recently, though.

"I was asking you what job you are currently perfprming", the prosecuter repeated.

She coughed shortly before she forced herself to say the words that were harder for her to speak than anything. "I... am currenty unemployed."

_Can. You. Hear. Me. Alright? I. Am ..._

_We apprechiate your offer, Miss Jareau, but we already have a lot of moms that help at the school festival. And... gosh, how do I put this? Some of the kids are... afraid. I am sorry. Honestly._

_Can I help you cross the street, Ma'am?_

_Mommy, mommy - look! Look at that woman over there! Oh no, not she's gone. You missed her, mommy, she was right there! _

_You are making wonderful progress. Just hang in there for another year and you'll see everything's gonna be fine. The worst is over now. Dang, I wish I had your luck when it comes to stocks._

"You, a woman with a storybook career, a unique and fairly impressive amount of experience and the best reputations I've seen in a long time... is unemployed. How is that possible, Miss Jareau?"

Her mouth turned dry. "I'm certified as unfit for any kind of work."

"Who came to such a dramatic conclusion?"

"Public health officer Doctor Jeremiah Penalton was the one to carry out the examination."

"Why exactly are you unemployable?"

_Maybe Henry should stay with me for a while. This isn't about custody, I promise. But you're busy with rehab and I think that right now I can take care of him better than you._

JJ bit back her tears. Crying wasn't emberassing to her any longer for it seemed to be impossible to hurt her pride any worse. But it was painful and she was fed up to the back teeth with going through any more ache. Being forced to make a statement in front of all these people was bad enough. And, to make matters worse, _he_ was there too.

"I lost one eye and have a vision of only 50 percent on the other one. I'm not qualified to handle a gun. Heck, I don't even have a license any more. After the... the incendiary I battled infections of all kind and had to take strong medication. My immune system is still damaged and prospectively I'll have to take some meds for the rest of my life." She swallowed hard and braced herself to say the worst part of this. "And you might be able to tell that I don't cut a good figure to represent the FBI in front of the media. I'm not made for being part of a society."

_Would I be brave enough to live if something like that happened to me?_

_Will she ever recover from the emotional harm?_

_Was she happy before this happened?_

_Has she been happy ever since?_

The bitterness of her words seemed to suffuse the courtroom for a long moment.

"Miss Jareau, what does your daily routine look like?"

"I am currently doing all sorts of rehab. I'm seeing specialists all over the country and I've been at a clinical centre in Canada, too. A few weeks ago I started spending an hour each day, except when something... ehm, happens, at my psychotherapist. I suffered a couple of panic attacs and I've been diagnosed with depression and posttraumatic stress disorder."

"What about your family?"

"My former husband, Detective William LaMontagne, moved out half a year ago. We officially divorced last month. My son Henry lives with him, even though we still both have custody, because... well, because we both considered it better to protect Henry from too much more stress and suffering. It's been a hard time for him, too."

"Why did you and your ex-husband divorce?"

JJ frowned and, even though she had done so due to the unwelcomed topic, smiled inconspicuously. The muscle damage had been grave and frowning was one of her newer achievements. "There were many factors and not all of them occured after the incident."

"Would you name some of the reasons the two of you had?", the prosecutor pushed. She, as well as many others, had been through a lot but, even though it wasn't a comfortable process, he would make sure that the man who did this would die for what he had done. The lethat injection would be less than what he deserved though.

"Things were rather difficult. Neither of us knew what to do, what to treat each other like. I couldn't just move on because the incident cost one of my friend's life and I missed, and still do so, him terribly much. When I tried to talk to Will about what had happened other hings were revealed too, that didn't make it easier. And I had already been so close to death that I... I thought about... I tried to-" Her voice broke and JJ gave up trying to explain what she had felt like.

"How is your son doing?"

_Excuse me, can you help m- oh my gosh, what the hell happened to you?_

_My mom can make the coolest faces now!_

_You need to deliver your license. We can't let you participate in traffic like that._

_I'm sorry to tell you that, Ma'am... but some of the customers seem to be uncomfortable so would you just... not to be inpolite but... you know, it's a business..?_

"Better than expected. He adjusted to... what I am like quickly. But there are difficult moments."

"Can you discribe such a moment to us?"

"He sometimes stays at my house for the weekend. And once I read to him from a book until he fell asleep. Before I left the room I wanted to... I only wanted to kiss his forehead, like I've done many times. But he woke up again and started screaming because it was darkish and he saw... it's hard."

"What about your parents? From what I read I think they still live in Pennsylvania. While this is quite some distance it's not an obstacle to communication. May I ask how they are doing?"

"Objection!", the defender finally complained, raising JJ's hope all at once, "I don't see how her parent's are relevant for this case."

"I only want to underline that Miss Jareau suffers emotionally even worse than physically. Which is important for one of the charges is grievous bodily harm."

The judge shook is head and could have delivered a blow to her just as well. "Overruled."

JJ cursed inwardly. She didn't care what exactly he was convicted for. He had to die and she wanted to watch. It was just that easy.

"My parents don't know what happened. I made up excuses to not meet them around Christmas and only talked to them on the phone. I don't now what to tell them. Or how to. They already lost a daughter and knowing... I just don't know."

_Oh my gosh, Jayje, we were so worried about you!_

_May he rest in peace. I miss him so much._

_We'll be there for you. Don't ever forget about that. Whenever you need us we'll be right there and if you think there isn't anybody left... remember us, JJ, alright. Will you do that?_

_Come on, lets get in there. It's a fancy restaurant and we're fancy and able to pay. Really. There's nothing wrong with the both of us. You like to eat there and so do I. They don't need to like us._

The prosecuter licked his lips in anticipation. JJ knew her answers had been to simple, to brief. He had suggested that she cried and added some details to her statement. But even though she would have rather died than to do so, his strategy had worked out just perfect. "Now, Miss Jareau - would you please tell us what exactly happened to you that turned your life upside down?"

"Yes", JJ said, "this would be October 25, 2010. It was a monday and I arrived early in the morning..."

_I won't go._

_I love you._

_I won't let you die._


	2. Chapter 2

**Good Morning, everybody!**

I was happy o see that quite some people seem to read this story but before I say anything else I need to complain about something. It's basically the same thing all the time - I want reviews. More reviews. I love getting & reading them and I'm leaving at least a few words to most of the stories I read, too. Excpt to the few I think are really crappy and I just can't think of anything not-rude to say.

So please, please, please do me the favour and write what you think about this story. Can be good or bad things, I welcome both!

Okay, so I'll count on getting some more this chapter.

Oh - and of course thatnks for the two I already got, to those who put this on Alter & to everyone else who read this.

This chapter is rather short as most chapters in this story will be.

I hope you like it though.

&& nothing belongs to me. Wht a pity.

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><p><em>We call them fools<em>

_Who have to dance withing the flame_

_Who chance the sorrow and the shame_

_That always comes with getting burned._

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><p>Monday mornings.<p>

He hated them for a reason.

Nothing was harder than leaving the bed to an upcoming week of work, work, work and a little son, which boiled down to the same thing.

Could life be any harder?

Sure. It could be quater to eight, for instance.

Shoot!

"Jack! Jack, are you coming?"

"Just a minute, dad!"

Hotch rolled his eyes as he watched his son running up and down the house. Once again he wondered where exactly five year old kids got as much energy from. Did they hide it at some secret place? He remembered very well how enhausted Jack had been yesterday night. He had fallen asleep even before Hotch had tucked him in - and now he seemed to be in the mood to run a marathon. How was this even possible?

The next time Jack passed his range Hotch reached out to gently wave down the energetic boy.

"Okay, what are you up to?"

"I can't find my shoes."

Hotch sighted. "They are right next to the door. I found them under the couch yeserday."

"But they are the wrong ones!"

"What's... nothing's wrong with them, Jack, they are perfectly fine."

"Yes they are. But not for now!"

"Then which pair would you like to wear instead?", Hotch asked, clueless about why Jack appearently couldn't wear his beloved soccor-ball patterned winter boots _today_ but at every other time. What kind of kid worried about shoes anyways? Except from that weird girl with the dyed pigtails in Jack's preschool class, of course.

"The ones with the shoelaces. Not the childish ones with the hook and loop fasteners", Jack explained and made a serious face, "the older children are doing a field trip today. I don't want the soccer shoes."

"But you're still having trouble to tie the lace-pair", Hotch tried to convince, "plus I have no clue where they are either and we're gonna be late anyway. Just take the boots, they're fine and quite cool."

"Oh I think I remember where they are now. I forgot 'em at Aunt Penelope's. She always wants me to wear them because she thinks they're looking good." He grimaced and then smiled, obvioulsy relieved. "We simply need to stop by to get them back."

"We don't have time for that and she'll be at work by now. Where I, by the way, should be, too."

He gently lifted his son up and went to the door.

"Why do you want to wear those anyway? You always told me you hate them and you're right, they _are_ nasty. Remember when you tried to burn them in the backyard?"

"Yes, cause they're useless. But I _need_ them today. Okay?"

"What- Jack-? No, we don't have time to drive across the whole city to get you a pair of shoes while you have a couple of alternative, good pairs. Why do you want them?"

"I just told you we're going on a fieldtrip."

"And where would this be? I can't remember being informed about a field trip to any place that's fancy."

"To elementary school so that we see what going there is like."

"You do know that it's the same building, right? You're only going to be in different rooms."

"Yes. But I need to look more grown-up or they'll laugh at us, daddy! You can't let them love at me, I don't want them to and it wouldn't be fair because they aren't much older than I am but I'm sure they'll feel like they're way better and smarter than us and it's just not fair and really totally so not-"

Hotch threw his hhands up in orror and tried to think about an easy solution. A short glimpse on his wristwatch told him that he'd be about 15 minutes late and if he should happen to be out of luck Strauss would take note and beat a dead horse about it, even though she had been very understanding in every issue that concerned his care for Jack since Haley's death.

"Calm down, buddy, nobody's gonna laugh at you."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do. They all were in preschool when they were younger and they'll know what its like. Okay? You can wear your Sketchers. They're easier to handle and have nothing child-like on them. Deal?"

Jack frowned lightly, and adorable enough to make it impossible for Hotch to be mad at him for the delay, and ran back up the stairs to get the brand-new pair of shoes. He walked back down, legs apart and shoulders squared, supressing his smile in an attempt to look grown-up and serious.

"Lets go", Hotch smiled and opened the front door. Jack ran to the car and tried to open the doors, even though they still were locked, all of a sudden forgetting about not being childish and jumping up and down next to it.

"Do you realize I'm almost in school? Like real school?" He didn't wait for his dad to answer. "That means I'll be old soon which means I should get to sit in the front of the car.´Only children sit in the back and I'm almost not a child so I shouldn't sit there either."

Hotch didn't bother to answer. Winning an argument against a child was basically impossible since they wouldn't run out of, although bad, reasons for why they were right and everyone else wasn't. Jack went into the back of the car without complaining and climbed onto his booster seat.

"Seatbelt on?"

"Yes dad. I know how to drive, you know? I could probably drive this car all by myself if you'd let me. You break the rules when you driven which is weird cause you'e the cops and you catch people who do that. But they do worse things like the man whom I hid from cause I'm smart, remember? However, the other day you were driving too fast. Now how do I know that? I saw the flashlight of the cameras that see if a car's too fast. It's called radar and it's real good and you shouldn't drive too fast. It's dangerous and people can die from it."

Luckily driving to school didn't take long. Due to their tardiness, the morning rush hour was already over and the parking lot in front of the preschool section was almost empty. They went in fast and Jack got more and more excited about getting a look at elementary school in the afternoon.

They met Miss Campbell, Jack's teacher, outside of the room. She smiled widely as she saw father and son hurrying down the hallway. She knew what had happened to the Hotchner family and had helped Hotch to arrenge a sitter for Jack when he had to leave all of a sudden several times. She liked the man and the little boy who at first seemed to be nothing like his father. But as soon as one took a closer look it became obvious that Hotch once had been just as happy as Jack was now and that those parts of his self shined through whenever he was with his boy.

"Mr. Hotchner, Jack. I'm glad you're here. I was just about to call you to check whether everything's alright or if Jack is sick."

"Believe it or not, he had serious womenhood-problems concerning his footwear."

"Well, I'm glad you got that solved. Hey Jack, I'll be waiting inside while you say bye to your daddy, okay? Kim and Ezra have been asking for you. They'll be glad you're here."

"Okay Miss Campbell", Jack answered and turned towards Hotch, giving him a few seconds to crouch down before he wrapped his arms around his father's neck.

"Bye Jack. Be good, okay? Have fun at school - and don't worry about the firstgraders. You're a smart, big almost-grown-up and you're gonna be awesome. I love you."

"Love you too."

The boy gave his father a smile, turned around and ran through the door to play with his Kim and Ezra.

He arrived in Quantico about half an hour later.

Little did he knew that he wouldn't return.

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><p>"It's what Jack told me", JJ whispered and repeated it before the prosecutor had the chance to tell her to speak up.<p>

"He stays with FBI's tech analysis Penelope Garcia. She's the one who still had the shoes he wanted to wear that day and she is my son's godmother. But Hotch decreeded in his will that if she's okay with it she could care for Jack if anything happened. He knew too that she wouldn't ever let him down. When I was released from hospital in January Will had already moved to an apartment and she refused to let me live all by myself from the beginning on. stayed with her for about two weeks and then she agreed I could become more independant."

_Hang in there, JJ, hang in there._

_Don't you dare trying to leave me _ever_ again! I'm hurt too. And you're going to be there for me!_

_You'll always be my little gumdrop. You are beautiful. End of story._

JJ smiled as she remembered how they had argued about whether JJ could be let alone or not. "She's been the one who made me go to a therapist. It's just... she's the most amazing person ever and the one who keeps me involved in life. He'll always find a family in his father's friends. But he became an orphan withing the first five years of his life. He's doing good though. Brave kid."

"Please continue to tell us what you know. I'll ask you for details after you finished."

She nodded shortly and wiped away a tear, shivering as she touched the abnormal scar tissue.

"I'll try."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, hey!** (I just watched The Simpsons so imagine this to sound Krusty-like)

He comes chapter number 3.

That's so far for the new revies. & I apprechiate the criticism (even though I have to say that I had to look 'hook and loop fasteners' up myself since I had no idea what the word for what I would call _Klett_ or maybe _Velcro_ was). But I'll try to find another expression.

Nevertheless I would be grateful for** some more reviews**. Come _on_ - even a short 'Hey, Hey!' would be amazing! ;)

I still don't own anything.

Hope you enjoy.

&& tell me what you think!

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><p><em>But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire<em>

_'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire._

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><p>There was exactly one thing she would think of that was more annoying than waking up to the beeping sound of her alarm clock and this very was waking up to her cell phone's ringtone since it meant that she had to work even before getting shower, a kiss from her son or at least a cup of coffee.<p>

She tiredly turned around and grabbed her phone while not even the ear-percing melody seemed to disrupt Will's deep sleep. Dang it, if she only ever slept sound...

"Special Agent Jareau", she moaned into the mouthpiece, even though she had tried to not sound as drowsy but competent and professional. Big failure. But how would anybody expect her to be awake at five am? "it better be important."

"Good morning Agent Jareau. This is SSA Jason Pierce."

"Ehm... here's the thing, I'm still kinda sleepy and I'm sorry to not really remember who y-"

"Oh, that's alright, we only met once or twice in the elevator. I'm working in white collar but I just passed a certain Detective Collin Inks. He said he needs to talk to you and that it's an emergency and I promised him to call you asap. He had a whole stack of files with him and showed me some bloody, creepy pictures so I guess it's really imprtant and he's waiting in your office right now. It'd be great if you could come in early today."

"Sure, I'm on my way", JJ yawned into the phone and possibly heared Pierce chuckle, "I'll be there in, ehm... a little while. Half an hour, maybe."

"That's the great thing of working on the most boring stuff ever. It can wait and different from your devils, my broker and tax dodgers _do_ sleep and they're all doing it at the same time."

"How come you're already at work then?"

"Working cases that largely happen on paper means tons of paperwork, being me means to procrastinae and still beign one of Strauss' lads means if I don't finish like a month of leftover reports due to next week I'll either find mywself being kicked out to the streets or with the head in a guillotine - I wouldn't be too surprised if it happened." He sniggered and sighted at the same time and while JJ smirked to herself too, she felt way too tired to respond anything. "Sorry for waking you up that early, I know you're like the FBI's bureaucracy model student."

"Never mind. That's the job I gave up state department for. I may have begged for that to come."

JJ hung up and slowly made her way into the bathroom. Being an athlete since elementary school and used to tight training, meeting and personal workout shedules, she had never been a person to take long showers but after she had confirmed to hurry she had to cut _everything _even shorter than it already was - which meant to have the water colder than usually, to not fully blow-dry her hair, to brush her teeth while she prepared a note for Jack and Will -_overzealous cop, sorry i had to leave early again, chinese tonight, love you both, kisses_-, to grab a bottle of Coke instead of making fresh coffee and to leave the house.

She drove a few miles per hour above the limit, conscientiously considerated of being true to her word, and arrived about twenty minutes later. She entered a building that was almost empty and smiled to herself as she thought that even the FBI was still in a sleeping mode.

The security men at the entry were the only ones who seemed to not be tired at all but she jealously noticed a stockpile of Starbuck's Coffee stading at a desk in their central office. A tall man who was huge but already past his best days waved her through and JJ went straight into the empty elevator, a fact that itself could be called a curiousity, and to the fifth floor.

Coming in at every time of day or night wasn't unusual at all but being here without anyone else from the team was - even though, if what the Detective was about to present to her truly was important, would change within a moment's notice.

"Are you Agent Jareau?"

The man who had asked the question was already in his mid fouries and regarding his messy hair and his shabby, brown blazer he probably wasn't too successful. With that she had made a lot of experience. As they realized they were getting older but not forward some policemen were almost waiting for a serial crime to happen. Working together with the BAU wasn't a bad reputation and the hope of doing something extraordinary and somehow becoming an important part of the Bureau died last.

"Yes. You are Detective Collin Inks?"

"Indeed, that's my humble self. I'm glad you came that quickly."

They shook hands and JJ realized how coarse and especially sweaty Inks' palm was. She opened to door to her office and offered him a chair to sit before she took a seat behind her desk.

"Usually the precincts inform us via phone or e-mail. May I ask why you decided to come here personally?"

As JJ heared her voice just the way she wanted -not as vexed and tired as she felt but professional and concentrated- she smiled with satisfaction. The upcoming day would probably be long - but at least it wouldn't be the textbook example of a bad day.

"I wanted to make sure that you look at the case. If you reject it..." He sighted and shook his head. "I just can't let this happen. The consequences would be fatal. Three teenage girl were shot between the eyes, power burns suggest that the gun was superimposed to their heads. They were stabbed afterwards, which I know is an overkill, and then the perpetrator cut off their left feet. The remains were found since last Monday and the coroner sais the first victim died about one and a half week ago. It's terrible, the whole village is scared to death and we are stuck. There isn't any forensic evidence so we need the BAU. If you guys can't solve it... we all know that whoever did this is going to do it again. Soon." He handed a file over to JJ. A couple of gruesome photos awaited her.

The first picture caused her to shiver. It cleary showed a teenager's ghastly maimed face and she quickly put it away to have a look at the next picture. Which she recognized immediatley.

First of all this wasn't a teenager.

It wasn't a girl either.

It was a man in his twenties of whom she know that he was a victim of rape and murder.

Maybe if she hadn't ignored the hint of fear that arouse in her chest but ran out onto the corridor to call out for another Agent things would have turned out differently. Maybe if she had suspected the worst and not the least aweful, everything would have been fine.

The next picture showed an old woman who had been strangulated to death and the following was a close-up to the red eyes of a man who had been robbed and accidentally killed.

JJ grew colder but took a deep breath. No need to hit the panic button just yet, she tod herself. There could be plenty of easier solutions. A simple mistake. The last, desperate attempt of a failed detective to establish a reputation before he was too old.

"Detective Inks, I think you might have given me the wrong file."

"No", was the plain, short answer, "it's exactly what you were supposed to get."

She just didn't knew what to act like. Something was wrong, that was for sure. But what could she do? Arrest him? Ask another Agent for help? Leave the office to call another team member and ask for advice?

But what was she supposed to say? _Hey Rossi, it's freaking early but could you come by to have a look at an old crock who's somehow weird?_ She was an FBI Special Agent, too and this was nothing she couldn't, or wouldn't, handle by herself.

"Those aren't teenage girls and obviously not victims of serial crimes or crime against chilred. Those are some of the cases I didn't transfer to the team becaus they are single offences that the local departments can handle by themselfes." JJ stated and noticed the unconfidence of her voice. She coughed and squared her shoulder a little. Geez, she had faced plenty of people who had been worse and or creepier than this guy and, anyways, she was with the FBI. How bad could this possibly be? "I don't know what this is supposed to be but I suggest you leave now and I won't report this... what is this? A sick joke or what?"

"It's exactly what you deserve, Agent Jareau and I'll make sure you get it. Maybe you won't value other people's faith by looking at the poor remains of their death when you know that they are doing the same thing with you. Have fun with those photos. I'll meet you in hell."

This would have been the last moment to save her life but instead JJ paused for a moment and took a deep breath before she dared to look at the next picture.

The man's face was covered with darkish red scar tissue all over.

And she knew who it was.

* * *

><p>"I looked up but he was already gone", she breathed and looked down to the ground, "and I was left... baffled."<p>

"Miss Jareau, is this the last picture he gave to you?"

The prosecutor raised his right hand to show it to her and JJ unintentionally backed away from it. It scared her and she wasn't ashamed to admit it. Not only did this man look like a spawn of evil - she was relatively sure that he _was_ exactly that. And worst of all it almost was like looking at her own reflection.

"Yes. Or well... I doubt it's the original since I held it in my hands when... this must be a copy. But I have no idea where he got this or the other photos from. And even though he said it... I still don't understand how I deserve this."

"For those who don't know - please tell us who the man on the picture is."

_I'm sorry but... Can I touch it?_

_I don't have reservations or prejudices. In fact I have _many_ friends that are just like you!_

_Have faith in God and everything will go back to normal. Trust in Christ. He'll save you._

_Does it hurt?_

_Maybe if you put some make-up on it..._

"This is Randall Garner. He was a Serial Killer who... had all those wounds from a fire where he lost his family. Just not his daughter but he kidnapped her and held her prisoner. Eventually he died by the explosion of a bomb he had built and he tried to kill Rebecca, too. We saved her but... a year after this happened she was murdered by a different killer."

"Why do you think he showed you that photo?"

"I believe that's obvious. It sais I'm like Garner. I'm a murderer."

"Do you think that's correct?"

For the first time the prosecutor's expression changed. He looked no longer neurtal and professional but apologetic and... sad. As if he didn't knew but at least supposed what he made JJ live through again. This woman had to suffer twice the amount of suffering just because she sat here. And she had already beared so much more than many people could ever go through...

But now, she gave everyone around and enraged look and her voice, from time to time bitter, anxious and weak but yet relatively calm attained a tone that was dominated by spleen and loathing than by a broken one's acronomy.

"Why - no, of course not. He tried to kill his _daugher._ She had to live in some sort of a cell and she was chained. Never would I do such a thing to my son. I short a person. One time. And I saved a life. I am nothing like him!"

"After you looked at the photo - what happened?"

JJ swallowed hard before she could convince her mouth to obey her will again.

"Living hell broke loose."


	4. Chapter 4

**Helloooo!**

My apologies for the long delay. I had a writer's block for my other Criminal Minds story _In Search For Life_ and kinda fell behind on updating this one. So this chapter is rather short but I hope you enjoy, or at least review, though.

I still don't own anything. Which is a pity.

* * *

><p><em>We call them strong <em>

_Those who can face this world alone _

_Who seem to get by on their own _

_Those who will never take the fall._

* * *

><p>"Detective Inks?", JJ asked hesistantly, still attempting to hold back the dread that she could no longer deny. She stood up from her chair, bypassed the large desk and approached the dooframe to look out into the corridor, where she saw the wanted man standing and smirking, "Detective Inks, I <em>will<em> report this to your superiors. We are having a very important job to fulfull here and rhose kind of... of obviously perverted jokes will not be tolerated!"

"You really don't understand what this is about, do you?"

"Believe me when I tell you that I understand pretty darn well what's going on", she hissed and fished her cell phone out of her pocket, "you're a perverted sick and I'll call security to take care of-" She breathed in sharply as she noticed the sudden increase of danger. "What do you have there?"

Inks smiled as he saw JJ's expression change from anger to pure fear."What do you think this could be, Agent Jareau?"

"Don't do this."

"Did those words ever keep someone from doing it?" He grinned, baring his teeth. "I will do this anyway. But if you dare to try one wrong move it's going to happen a lot earlier and we all know that you need to play for time so that your federal buddies can come by and at least try to save the day, right? So I suggest you listen to me, try to talk me out of this... you know, the susual crap you people do to feel smarter and more educated than us everymen."

What Inks held in his right, sweaty fist looked like a small pen - a remote, meant to detonate a bomb. It was so obvious. JJ quickly took a step back, simultanously pressing the cell's green button to make the call. They would know that something was terribly wrong... hopefully.

"Put it away. You know as well as I do that those cases weren't worked by the BAU because it was possible to handle them alone. Some of the policemen who asked for advice contacted me after they solved the particular cases by themselfes. But or us sorting is an inevitable necessity. Don't do that. There is absolutely no need to be that angry about my work - it's really nothing bad."

"You rejected my daughter."

"I don't know what you are talking about-"

"Francesca Mariah Inks. Don't pretend to not know who she is!"

JJ swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

"Detective Inks, I know who your daughter was, I remember getting her file. She took courses in french literature and modern film history in college and turned 19 just two weeks before... before she was raped and murdered."

"And this doesn't sound like something worth to be worked on?"

"This is not the way I think. I remember every file I look at and being a parent myself I understand how painul losing the own child must be. But I also remember that a young officer contacted me and told me that he had solved the case in individual initiative. He had also been the one to ask for help but it wasn't necessary."

"But you rejected her! You didn't think she was worth it, did you?"

"No. No, it's not true, please be reasonable, think about what you are doing! I can understand your anger but you can't blame me or the FBI for doing this. Put this damn thing down, this is-""

As JJ saw him pressing down the trigger she reacted within the split piece of a second, spun around and jumped back into her office to hide from the explosion that was to come. Oddly enough the cold, rough surface of the ingrain wallpaper was as present to her as it had never been before. Almost simultanously to the relief of being fairly safe the realisation that she had jumped right into her own death verdict appointed.

She knew it the moment she saw the stack of cardboard boxes. Impossible that they were full of casefiles. 'Cause why would he have carried that many photos while the few ones he had shown her were plenty enough? There wasn't even time left to at least raise her arms to protect her face.

The blast wave brutally slammed her into the wall drywall behind her, knocking her out cold, exposing her to the worst that was yet to come.

All of the sudden the blazing heat was everywhere around and even before realizing or simply _trying _to realize what had happened she knew that this, whatever it actually was, would be it. For sure this was the world's end... or maybe the world had already ended and this was some sort of a purgatorial fire and she wasn't with her son, wasn't with her husband, wasn't with her friends.

Her own scream was what brought her back to reality while a starkly secular pain confirmed that she was still alive. Life, however, felt different. This couldn't be a real life because, yes, life had meant pain to her many times but _this _kind of pain exceeded every tolerable limit. It had to be beyond the survivable. The agony was petrifying and after a while, she didn't knew how much time had passed, JJ had to remind herself to start breathing again.

What had happened?

Where was she - at home, at work, at some precinct that they helped working a case?

"No... no. FBI. Help."

The words left her mouth unintentionally. Nobody seemed to be there to hear them but they would have been too quite to be heared anyways. After taking one deep breath she finally opened her eyes.

First there were bright flames on her skin.

Then nothing further.

* * *

><p>"Is this how you lost your eye, Miss Jareau?", the prosecutor asked.<p>

JJ nodded. "Yes. It was the first thing I felt. It burnt, at least rudimentarily and couldn't recover. At first they tried to obtain the eyeball and exchanged the vireous humour's fluid with silicone but it got infected badly after two weeks."

"They had to remove it?"

"Yes. What people are looking at now, or what they would be looking at if they didn't only stare at my skin all the time as if it's be an amazing curiousity, is a glass eye."

For the first time since JJ had taken the stand she was obviously vexed. The prosecutor gritted his teeth as he noticed how some members of the jury, and as well the judge himself, were slightly blushing and turning their eyes off her. She hadn't disgruntled them, which was the only good of her comment on annoying gazers, but mentioning the challenge everyday's life had suddenly become to her didn't make things easier as every single person gaping at her semmed to reinforce her miserable existence. Which, in a narrow way though, made everyone else feel like being a small culprit, too.

Which, obviously, wasn't a good thing to reach when at court.

"People are staring at you?", he borached the subject again.

"Why, yes. And I would be lying if I said I never had taken a second look at someone distorted. I guess that's... I hope it isn't normal but what we don't know and can't ask about is just so irritating and maybe the only thing everyone is interested in. You just... well, you want to know what's up with them. We go to museums to look at things we don't know - like old weapons or pieces of art that aren't always beautiful, but always different. I'm a curiousity. Maybe I should consider joining a circus."

"How does this make you feel?"

"Being stared at or being distorted?"

_Oh come on, Miss, I bet you have a beautiful smile._

_Stop looking at the woman over there all the time, Jimmy. It's rude to stare at different ones._

_Jennifer, we haven't heared from it each other in years! What about we go grab some coffee and catch up on the old time a little- oh, you can't? Ehm, sure, maybe next month? No? Alright then... just gimme a call when you have some free time, yes? I'd really like to know how your life turned out, the carziest things happened since college, you know..._

"Both, if you can explain."

"I think that if I wouldn't have been treated like a very, very different person things would have been easier. You aren't born as a freakshow and fire isn't what made me one. I was a burn victim for the time I was in hospital. And as soon as I took the first step out of it I stopped being one and was nothing but the funny looking scarface everybody looks at. You could live with being... lets say with losing your hands, too. It would be hard, yes. And it sure would be sad and a challenge but you could manage. And then there are all the people who are pointing with their _fingers_ at you because you lost yours. That's whats hard. That's what hurts the most.

But... The worst of it was that I saw it coming", JJ choked off and raised her hand to quickly brush a couple of tears away that she thought to feel streaming down her cheek. There were none.

"What do you mean by that, Miss Jareau? What did you saw coming?"

"Everything", she breathed, "the fireball. Him. Death."


	5. Chapter 5

**Bonjour, tout le monde!**

This update is a lot quicker than the last one & I hope that it's okay. I didn't take a lot of time to write it so it's probably redundant with typos and stuff. Also the next update is going to be later since I'm leaving for some days of holiday in London and hope to make it through the riots there. Looks like a war zone but hopefully they'll keep their molotov coctails from me. :)

But since this story is supposed to be finished due August 15 and only three more chapters are there to come I guess I'll be finished a day before the deadline.

I came to notice that a _lot_ more people are reading _In Search For Life_ but not a lot more reviews are left on that story either. So it would be amazing if some more poeple would write a short feedback to that story here.

I don't own _Criminal Minds_ but I would like to. & I made up the plot by myself.

Hope you enjoy!

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><p><em>We call them weak <em>

_Who are unable to resist_

_The slightest chance love might exist _

_And for that forsake it all._

* * *

><p>He had gotten used to violence as a little boy, being forced to grow up with it.<p>

Then he had started to bring those who commited violence behind bars as a prosecutor, decided that he'd rather protect people from becoming victims in the first place than to see that justice is done to those who couldn't be saved and had hunted down the country's worst people one by one. He was used to quick reactions and gruesome pictures, to a stranger's fear as much as to the own, to feel pain and to inflict it, to save and to be saved.

As Aaron Hotchner arrived at the FBI building he could see something was wrong right away and he was surprized as he noticed how his confidence faded for a moment. A throng of dark and neatly suited men and women in front of the building caught his attention even before he noticed the fire trucks alla round. Then the appertaining firefighters and then the fire.

Being rather irritated than concerned he approached the evacuated FBI Agents, trying to figure out what had happened. They were relatively calm due to the fact that they all had been in worse situations and usually they were the ones who had to run inside the danger to save potential victims. Right now they weren't the ones to do the work and Hotch could tell that at least a few of them were hoping to maybe get the day off or a later deadline to turn in their reports.

_Some things didn't change sionce High School_, he thought and smirked, remembering how there had been a false fire alarm at his school just the day when his precalc class had been supoosed to take a test. They had been waiting outside in the cold for almost an entire hour and there had been barely any students who hadn't caught a cold but nobody had minded walking through the corridor's sneezing and coughing. Working for the government could make one feel like working for a kindergarden. And this, obviously, was one more point to underline that.

"Hey, you", he addressed a random Agent, who turned around to look at Hotch.

"Agent Hotchner", he said, while Hotch had no idea whom he was talking to, "Good Morning, Sir."

"Yeah, about that - I just arrived. What's going on here?"

"We don't know for sure yet, sir. I'm working at first floor, so I was quickly outside. Everybody heared a nasty big bang coming from fifth floor, then the fire alarm came on and we all left. Stra- I mean Secition Chief Strauss is currently going around with the record of who entered the building to check if everyone made it out in time. Some Agents from counter terrorism are around, too since it was most likely an explosion... well, what could it be from? I guess _bomb_ is everyone's first thought, even thoguh that would be horrble but, hey, that's the FBI, right? So we're out here..."

While the Agent slowly ran off the topic Hotch had stopped listening to him as soon as he had heared _fifth floor_. Something inside the BAU had detonated and even though he was late ad there wasn't a case they wer currenty working he knew that some of the team members came in early without having an exact reason.

Reid liked to study case files, Garcia did things none of them understood but that always seemed ton take a lot of time, Rossi and Emily both were driven there by restlessness and JJ studied protential cases and did whatever else, that none of them every really knew of. Morgan rarely shower up before he needed to... but today, Hotch had been the one to be late. Maybe everyone else had been-

"Hey, Hotch - over here!"

Hotch smiled relieved as he heared Morgan calling out for him.

_Speak of the Devil!_

But as he cut his way through the crowed towards his team his heart dived once again. While Garcia's tears could have easily been triggered by the plain danger of the sitation, seeing everyone else on the verge of those as well gave Hotch a reason to be concerned. Morgan held Garcia in a tight embrace against his chest and Emily and Reid, maybe without noticing it, clung to each other just as firm.

"I just heared what happened, are you okay?", Hotch asked anxiously, noticing how one team member was missing at the same moment, "one Agent told me it happened on our floor, is... is everything alright? Was anyone injured? ...where is JJ?" He paused for a moment, bracing himself to ask the question which he was afraid would be negated. "JJ isn't informing the media about what happened, is she?"

"No, she's not", Morgan said and swallowed hard.

"Then where is she? Coordinating things with Strauss? In an ambulance? At the hospital? Is she... is she dead?"

Garcia sobbed desperately as she heared his question.

"What?", Hotch hissed impatiently, "_tell me_ what's going on! _Where. Is. She?_"

He glanced at Morgan, awaiting to hear that she was on her way to the ER in this very moment, that she would need some rehab and return to them just fine. That everybody else was in a shock but overall okay. That whoever detonated a bomb in the BAU was arrested or, at best, dead like a door nail. But Morgan seemed to be struggling for words.

"We don't know", Emily answered for him, "she entered this morning but according to records but she never left. Of us down here I arrived first, it was around seven thirty then, but... I came to a scene of chaos. The fire department is getting ready but it's dangerous since the fire seems to be huge by now and parts of the floor might break down... and JJ's missing after being at the floor with the fire-"

She chocked off.

"Any of you tryied to talk to Strauss?"

"As soon as she showed up checking for who's outside. When we found out that JJ is in there we tried everything but she couldn't or wouldn't tell us anything either. We basically know as much as you do. Nothing that could be called worth anything."

"And nobody's in there to look for her?"

"It's not that we didn't try to", Morgan huffed and clenched his fist, "when I arrived there were three men to keep Em from running in the building. Then I tried. Same thing happened. Then Rossi arrived and tried too. Even Reid tried to get in there. We did our best, seriously."

Hotch simply nodded, turned on his heel and approached the building with grand, quickeing strides.

"Well, lets see how they'll handle me", he muttered and began to run.

"No Hotch, it's been too long since it started!", Morgan hollered and tried to catch up to his boss before this could run into the danger zone, "you won't get her either. Come back! You're gonna get yourself killed!"

A bystanding firefighter looked up from something he was preparing as he heared Morgan's words. He motioned to a colleague and both of them ran after the sprinting Agent. But Hotch was faster. Two Agents who stood near the quickly built safety barrier tried to hold him back by grabbing his shoulders, but he pushed him away with the superhumanly energy that originates from the purity of incomprehensible anger and fear. One of them fell down onto the ground and struggeld to get up in the dense, agitated crowd while the other one tried to get a hold of him again.

Hotch, however, hadn't botherd to paus for at least a moment and entered the building before anyone could stop him, even though it meant that he hadn't any time to think about what he did.

"Hotch!", Morgan shouted again and ran towards the building as well, but stopped in front of the barrier, "it won't bring you any good! You are putting your life on line!"

"So what, I don't care!"

Shouted it, looked back one last time and disappeared into the burning building.

* * *

><p>"He should have cared. If not about his own life about Jack, the team... me."<p>

"Could you specify what you mean by that?"

"He shouldn't have come. Things would have been easier for every person involved."

"And you include yourself to those persons?"

"Indeed, I do."

"Regardless of the difficulties you are, without a doubt, dealing with, are you not happy that you did not die in there? Isn't it an overall good thing that you are, for instance, still there to spend time with your son or other friends or yours?"

_Hey mommy, I drew a picture of you and me. The little one - that's me. And you're the beautiful one with the nice hair and the crown next to the tree._

_Jennifer? I noticed that you're currently living alone but nonetheless we would be happy to see you at out neighborhood BBQ, it's the next weekend and I know Henry will be here, too and maybe the nice woman with that cute little boy would like to show up, too. You'd find a ready welcome._

"I am. But, you see, that Hotch was with me for a very short time in there doesn't mean that as soon as he was... gone I was saved. This was not the case. He was there for me, yes, but he wasn't the one to save me. I would have prefered to be saved without watching him die."

"Miss Jareau, while I am aware that your sense of time has probably been affected-"

"It was. But I know how long he was there. I saw his wristwatch with the eye that wasn't injured."

"...oh yes, that is very good. How long was Special Agent Aaron Hotchner with you before he died?"

JJ showed another bitter smile.

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

"They were only five minutes. But it felt like forever."


	6. Chapter 6

**Good afternoon everyone!**

I must say a couple of things right now (just feel like it): London is amazing. Everyone should go to London. Totally. Wasps are the world's most freaking sucky animals and should be killed. Now. & summer vacations are too short for those who live in a country that had longer autums-, winter- and springbreaks so that their summer breaks are only 6 weeks long. Plus: The world sucks. & religious fanatics who are speaking english with a very, very prominent russian accent are hilarious. Especially when you're asking them questions that they don't understand. :)

Okay, so much about that. :p

This chapter is kinda short, mainly because I'm getting annoyed of writing stuff that is so corny. I don't like love, that's just the way it is.

Thanks for all the reviews I got so far.

I do not own _Criminal Minds_ (what a pity) and I don't own _Standing Outside The Fire_ either (I'm okay with that).

Please **review** this chapter. I would be very thankful.

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><p><em>They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire <em>

_Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire._

* * *

><p>"Miss Jareau, do you know at what time you were finally saved from the FBI Academy by firefighter-"<p>

"Captain Morgan Bert Russel", JJ completed his sentence. Never would she forget his name. Never would she forget the moment she saw the outlines of a living person bursting through the flames, strong and inviolable coming for her to allow her to at least try to survive. "It was exactly 0834 when he lifted me up to get me out of that building. However, I don't have a memory of what happened afterwards. I passed out before being placed in an ambulance and woke up nine days later. The doctors decided it was best to put me in an artificial coma to ease the early healing process."

"Do you remember what time it was when Collin Inks fired his incendiary?"

_Help me, oh my god, please, somebody help me!_

_Oh, hahaha, stop mommy... hahaha... I'm dying of laugher!_

_At some times the wish to die might be overwhelming, Miss Jareau, but you cannot give in to it. You lost so much in life but you need to see that if you end it now so many people will lose so many wonderful things. You did not die in that building and therefor I will not let you die these days._

"No, at least not exactly. I could only guess, but I'm not sure how long I actually looked at those pictures and how long I tried to talk him out of it. It didn't seem to be much time but... you know, it was a stressful morning."

"The phone records say that the call you gave the security came in at 0717. You were in a burning section for more than an hour. It's... it's quite miraculous that you survived this, isn't it?"

"Well... it's interesting to hear and I guess it's positif that there is such reliable record of the timeline. But I still don't remember it by myself, if that's what you're driving at. It felt like I had been in there longer than I actually lived. I don't give a crap about the amount of minutes, even though it might be the primary thing that matters in this room."

"Yes, you cut that to the chase", the prosecutor nodded and smiled.

He kept pacing up and down in front of the stand and JJ, first unconsciously and then surprized as she noticed it, formed a fist every time he turned around to walk in the direction he just came from. Why couldn't he just stand still or sit down at some place? Didn't he know that it was the most annoying thing he could do in court? This was just stupid and so unnecessary and with every additional step he made the whole process get more and more ridiculous to JJ. Her testimony, the trial. Even the verdict. It was an amsolute scream. Nothing else.

But just when she was about to cough and make up an excuse to leave the stand at least for today, maybe she could be in unusually intense pain or close to a nervous breakdown?, the prosecutor stood still, looking in her eye with a deep and dark kind of sadness that she wasn't prepared for.

"What time was it when SSA Hotcher entered your office?"

_Kill me. Please, kill me now!_

_You say you love me. In the face of death you loved him. Just say it. He was the one. I'm not._

"It was 0826. And, before you ask - yes, it means he died 0831, which means I was saved three minutes after he died. I previously said that Hotch wasn't the one to save me but maybe I must add that this is what I am still wondering about ever since. I am for sure not the one to explain the details but there were some problems with... whatever it was, it kept them from reaching my office; they weren't even sure whether I was there or out of the building and just out of sight. I will never really know whether they came in there so quickly after Hotch because they realized they would find me or to get him back. If it was because of him I owe my life to him, even though he died in there."

"What happened when SSA Hotchner died?"

"What do mean _what happened when_? That's self-explanatory, is it not?"

"Then let me put my question in different words - what happened in the time interval of 0826 to 0831?"

"How much... how much do you need to know?"

"Everything you remember will help this case, Miss Jareau."

"Alright. I'll try my best..."

_Look mommy, if I put spit on my finger I can touch a candle-flame without getting hurt at all!_

_In the Lord, we are united as brothers and sisters for eternity. Today we are here to bewail the death of one of our siblings, of our friend, a father, a son, a brother, a loved one..._

* * *

><p>A fire is a living thing.<p>

It needs oxigen, for instance, and it burns it up. Which, basically, makes fire something that eats.

It can grow.

It can be killed.

JJ didn't doubt that what she was surrounded by was a livivng, eating thing. It was a monster that rampaged all around her and that would eventually let go of the files, the furniture and everything else and start to not only mangle but hopefully kill her.

The thought if Will already knew about it occured to her. If not he would probably order chinese food for tonight. And if he did he would probably be very upset about her death, it would get cold and he would eat it at midnight and because if would be way too much to eat all alone he would throw it up and everything would only be getting worse and worse... for a while she tried to remember whether she had every seen Will puke or not and felt weird as she realized that this would probably the last thing that she ever thought. Nothing like _My last words to him were 'Good Night, Honey'_ or _I won't see my son grow up_ but only one question, that ran through her mind over and over again.

_Did he puke?_

_Did he ever puke?_

Death and the moment right before that very sure were some misterious things.

"JJ? JJ are you here?"

_Did he every puke?_

_Did he-?_

"JJ? JJ!"

The voice was far away and even though it was an outcry it almost vanished under the lound roar of the fire-monster. She tried to open her mouth a bit but knew her answer wouldn't be heared.

"Are you in here? JJ! Where are you?"

He came closer. Closer and closer and closer. She saw him, or at least she saw his shadow.

It was too close.

It was too dangerous.

And, with a relative certainity, she could tell that being too close to the origin of a fire wasn't very much of a smart idea. With him being here everything had just turned from bad to worse. As if her own situation wouldn't be bad enough already.

"JJ! There you are, you-"

He fell down to his knees next to her, probably attemting to lift her up and hesitating with a gasp as he realized this was merely possible. He was a strong man, no doubts, but carrying her through a storm of flames was too much, if not for him certainly for her.

"No, Hotch... no", she mouthed, unable to make much more than a whispering voice, "no, don't... go-"

"I won't go now, JJ. We're gonna get you out of here alive."

"Don't. I don't want..", she mumbled and searched for his eyes to give him a pleading look. If he could just see how bad she didn't want to stay alive he might just give in. If he could see the pain not only on her flesh he might show her the mercy of letting her go..? But as JJ's eyes finally met his she was surprized to see him suffer just as much.

"Yes, you do!", Hotch contradicted determined and gently took her left hand in his, "there are a bunch of firefighters out there and they'll come and get you. It's a matter of minutes, really, they'll be there soon. You hear me? They're coming!"

"But it _hurts_!", she whined, "it hurts so much."

"I know it does, but keep in mind that it won't hurt forever. Believe me, it'll be fine. It'll stop in a while! The time will come when it is no more than a memory and this time is gonna be good. Believe me."

"No it won't... it can't-"

"Yes it can. You are _not _going to die now!" Hotch took a deep breath and wiped some sweat from his forehead, even though it was a fruitless act. "You will stay with me, Jennifer Jareau. You are not going to die. Don't you dare to even consider it!"

The surrounding flames were almost blinding and made JJ close her eye shut. Yet the bright light didn't allow her to sink into deep, calm darkness. She couldn't even escape the light. There was no way out of this. She eventually found the strengh to force her eye to open again and first take a look at Hotchs face, then at his belt. And there she saw the answer. The relatively tiny tool that _would_ set her free from hell.

"Your gun... take your gun. Shoot me. Kill me! Please... just end it. Please-"

"You don't mean what you're telling me there."

"And you don't know what you're talking about either. Do it."

She saw him taking a deep breath and removing the weapon from its holster.

"Thank you... thank you-" He looked onto her with deeply embedded apology in his eyes before he removed the ammo, threw it far away into the fire and took her own gun to repeat the task.

"I won't do. I love you. I won't let you die."

* * *

><p>"What time was it when SSA Hotchner threw away the ammos?", the prosecutor asked and noticed that a couple of tears streamed down JJ's cheeks, "or do you want us to take a short time out, Miss Jareau?"<p>

JJ quickly shook her head. "No, I'm fine. It's just... a little difficult."

"I understand."

"Maybe. But I doubt you really do so."

"If you would answer my question now...""Oh, yes... I'm sorry. It was 0829. I did not pay attention to the sweep hand though."

"And from what I understand you were in pain that seemed to be unbearable to you?"

"Why, you understood that quite fine." She bit her lip as soon as the words left her mouth. His question had been for the record and didn't deserve such a touchy answer. But how could anyone blame her? If she had to endure an incendiary they could endure a bad mood of hers. "I mean... yes. I felt aweful and desperately wished to be dead."

How weird this one doesn't look like a burn scar she has there on her ? Why is there blood in the bathroom sink? Did you get hurt?It was just a bad dream you had there, JJ. You're here, you're loved and you're save. Yes?

"Are you still in pain?"

"Yes. I can't take the pain meds too long and I don't want to. I'm afraid of getting addicted to them."

"Do you still wish to be dead?"

JJ faltered, actually needing to think about it for a while. "I did and sometimes I still do. But it's getting better. As time goes by I see the things that are worth living and suffering for."

"And you just saied he saied he loves you?"

"Yes. He did."

"Did you love him too?"

Another pause. Silence filled the courtroom but yet everyone seemed to know what her answer was going to sound like.

"Of course I did. I knew it for a while but when he was there it had never been more clear to me how much I loved Aaron Hotcher."


End file.
